candice mclean

Dear Void | Finding My Own Path

I've watched You've Got Mail many, many times. Too many times to count. I love the dialogue of Nora Ephron. She gets in my head so easily. So I find it funny. I find it funny that over and over I've watched this movie and just the other day, one thing popped into my mind. It was there churning and resonating like a pile of gooey annoying gum that you've stepped into that refuses to release from the bottom of your shoe. So, I googled those words and found it under quotes on goodreads.com. I liked it and I continued to think.

 

“Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.
― Nora Ephron from "You've Got Mail"

 

You know that sort of thinking that causes a lump in your throat, an ache in your heart and a feeling of emptiness in your gut.. Right? Can you relate?

Then I asked myself... Do I live an ordinary life because I choose to or because I'm scared to dare a little more and really live my dreams? Do I lack the luster to stick it out? Do I lack the creativity? Do I lack the discipline? Shitty reality can really smack you down. So where do I go from here?

Like the quote... I don't really want an answer. Well not from an outside source because I know that only I can truly answer those questions.

Some things I know for sure... I love my life. I love my husband. I love my children. I love creating. Unfortunately, I feel that I've made excuses along the way. I haven't truly lived up to my own dreams. I've wanted my own career, my own identity. Somehow along the way I lost my own path. I chose to follow my husband and his career. I chose to stay at home to raise my children and I would not change that for anything. I've treasured my time at home with my children immensely. The truth is... I'm growing older and I have not accomplished all of my personal dreams and aspirations. So how do I get from here to there. Slowly, I'm working on it.

I do have faith. I do believe that God will lead me and I'll choose the path. The right path for me.

Change, Grace, & Learning the Hard Way | Quotes

Shauna Niequist | Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way

 

staying the path | FOCUS

i write with a heavy heart but with hope.

this year has already presented some challenges and heartache. january started with the flu spreading through my clan one week at a time. my mother had another stroke on january 21st. in february, my grandfather's health rapidly declined and we lost him on february 16th. though all of these events are sad and even tragic, i'm choosing to focus on the good. the promise. the love.

mom | after the stroke, i sat down with her and pleaded for her to try harder. she has so much to live for. and... she is really trying this time. she is eating healthier and walking everyday. i phone her at least 3 times a day. i remind her that each day is a new beginning, and i'm praying she stays the path. i'm happy to see this new change in her attitude.

brother | he too was sick with the flu in january. the nursing staff we had in place was not working at all so i had to fire them and look for a new agency. luckily, i found an agency located closer to my mother with a larger staff. we still need a morning shift nurse so i'm praying we have all of the nurses in place soon. i'm also praying that they are reliable and loving for my little jj.

papa | watching him decline and his body slowly exhaust was extremely difficult. talk about a fighter! he was such a fighter. he loved life with a passion and this was truly evident. he was an amazing man. an amazing husband. an amazing father. an amazing grandfather. and an amazing friend. our family had time together as we all sat with him in his last days. we laughed. we cried. we shared stories that warmed my heart. through this very difficult time, i found joy. i found joy in knowing that my papa sat in the same room with us all listening to us share those stories. those laughs. those tears. those hugs. i know he heard them all, and i know he had to feel the love that surrounded him. his funeral was a celebration of life. he lived 95 wonderful years. thank you to all of the family and friends who came to visit us at the viewing and funeral. thank you for the sweet thoughts, prayers and the gifts of condolences.

staying the path. with february quickly closing and march approaching, i'm looking forward to conquering my goals and living with more focus. the last two months have proven to me that life is worth celebrating everyday. i'm eager to find purpose in everyday tasks no matter how small or large. i'm excited to live with intent everyday... enjoying the laundry and even the cleaning, expressing my love through cooking meals for my family, sharing laughs over coffee with a friend, loving my talents as i pick up the camera to capture and freeze time even if for a second, sharing my love of art with others... it all has purpose.

i want to share a message from joel osteen about reprogramming your mind. here's an excerpt...

I believe that as you honor God with your time, He’ll multiply it back to you. As you stay faithful and focused on Him, He will direct your steps, and you will embrace the blessing and victory He has in store for you!

DREAM BIG | inspiration & quotes

IF YOUR DREAMS DON'T SCARE YOU, THEY AREN'T BIG ENOUGH.

~ Lowell Lundstrum

Today is a new day!

“Today is a new day. Don't let your history interfere with your destiny! Let today be the day you stop being a victim of your circumstances and start taking action towards the life you want. You have the power and the time to shape your life. Break free from the poisonous victim mentality and embrace the truth of your greatness. You were not meant for a mundane or mediocre life!” 
― Steve Maraboli

 

This is my new mantra. Repeat it with me. Again and again. Today is a new day!

happy mother's day.

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.  ~Washington Irving

loving myself

if you and i are friends on facebook, you'll notice a trend. i begin my day with a new quote. my process is deliberate. i look for quotes that speak to me. i think about what i'm struggling with in my day to day life and i try to find a little inspiration. a little hope.

so here's the quote i posted yesterday...

Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different. --Stacey Charter

i had a facebook friend write me and she asked...

Just wondering, what made you post that quote today? Be honest. It is poignant on a day like today for me.

after i read her question... i pulled out my journal and began writing like a crazy mad woman. i had a lot to say. i rambled on and on. and today... i'm sharing some of it. rephrasing it... so it hopefully makes some kind of sense.

don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. only you can be responsible for that.

guilty. i do this. when i am at my lowest low, i rely on others to make me happy. excited. and joyful again. it's a synergy i look for in my friendships. i give and i receive. and because of this, i am purposeful and thoughtful when selecting friends. i surround myself around people who are happy. positive. joyful. thankful. inspiring. creative.

accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit.

there are days where i allow my insecurities to take over. i question everything. i question who i am. self doubt conquers my mind and soul and i become paralyzed. paralyzed with fear. there are things that i know i can do better and when i fall short i beat myself up. i love myself less. a feel lost. and sometimes out of control. and one thing i hate most... is feeling out of control and helpless.

i am learning to accept who i am. i'm not the perfect mother. i need to be more patient. i'm not the perfect wife. i need to learn to compromise when needed but not sacrifice who i am in the process. i need to allow myself to make mistakes. as a mother. as a wife. and as an artist.

new discovery. the other day, i had a great conversation with a friend while we collected seashells and sea glass. she said something about herself that i loved. she said... i'm not always reasonable. and i got it. right there. it was like BAM... instant connection. truthfully, i'm not a reasonable person and i tend to rebel. it's who i am. i see a different path and though it may be more challenging, i'll follow it. i've always been that way ever since a child. ask my parents... they'll concur. yep independent thinker and doer. nonetheless, i've enjoyed my paths of discovery.

me...the artist. as an artist, it's hard to put yourself out there. my biggest fear... failure and ridicule. you never know how someone will interpret your art. your work. your vision. i trust that my audience will get it. love it. and when they don't... well it is like taking a stab to the heart. ouch. why do i care so much?

catering to others. i'm guilty of this as an artist. i've created for my audience. i've thought... what will they like? what do they want to hear or see? and in the end, i hate the process and the final result. trusting myself to create is one of the hardest things to do. i'm learning to listen to my voice. to be me. to embrace me.

courage

Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

lucKy13 MiXEd MEdiA *for cheryl*

i'm wrapping up the sneak peeks for the lucky 13 over the next few days. this project has been so much fun! i loved working with the different photos from each of the girls. thanks again elena for inviting me to join your little group of amazing artists! everyone is so inspiring. ((hugs)) to all you lucky girls. xoxoxo

if you are just checking in here for the first time or have no idea what the lucky 13 is... elena etcheverry of scrapbook royalty invited 12 artists to join her in a one year project. each month i received a photo(s) from a new gal and i would then create a page using that photo(s). i also sent a photo to a new gal each month. we started in jan 2009 and finished the project in jan 2010. i just received my pages from all the girls and now i'm compiling each of the pages into a bound book. so i'm just sharing sneak peeks of the pages that i created. and then i'll share sneak peeks of the pages created for me and of the cover i created to bind the pages into. exciting! and... cheryl waters (fiskateer and artist extraordinaire) contacted a publishing group (ssh!!!! still a secret) and some of the pages from each gal will be published. thanks cheryl for all of your hard work. you seriously rawk sista! xo

sneak peeks of cheryl's page that i created for her.

 

 

 

the canvas pages are by C&T publishing. to create cheryl's page, i used acrylic paint, patterned paper, metal findings, tattered angels chipboard frame, tattered angels mists, textured stamps, ink, floss and my sewing machine.

the bible verse above is my favorite. i found it posted recently on a friend's fb page - elizabeth vaughn.

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil. To give you a future and a hope. ~Jeremiah 29:11

Word of the Year & McLean News

We have good news to share. Chip received his official orders, and we are moving to Okinawa, Japan June 2010 for a 3 year tour. We are so excited and ready for this new adventure. The children are torn about moving. They really like it here in Virginia, but they are excited for the chance to live abroad. I've promised them lots of traveling and sightseeing - something I want for all of us.

There is some other news that I'd like to share. We received the results from Tate's MRI and there was a mild abnormality found. She has been diagnosed with cortical dysplasia. The good news, Tate's dysplasia is very mild and she has not had any more seizures. With the one seizure and the diagnosis, the doctor says that she has a 50% chance of having future seizures. If in fact she has more seizures, then she will be prescribed medication to prohibit the seizures. So, we are waiting basically.

A medical definition found online...

Cortical dysplasia (CD) is a congenital abnormality where the neurons in an area of the brain failed to migrate in the proper formation in utero. It is commonly found near the cerebral cortex and is associated with seizures and may be associated with some level of developmental delay(s). Focal cortical dysplasia is a common cause of intractable pediatric epilepsy in children and is a frequent cause of epilepsy in adults. Cortical dysplasia can occur in small, discrete parts of the cortex or can involve large areas of the brain.

We have a follow-up appointment with Tate's pediatric neurologist on January 25th. We'll learn more then and have the opportunity to ask more questions.

With the diagnosis in place, we'll go through medical screening to ensure that Okinawa will have the facilities and doctors needed to treat Tate. With that being said, there is a small chance that we (the children and I) will remain behind and Chip will deploy forward for a year.

That brings me to Word of the Year. For the last few years on her blog, Ali Edwards has prompted her followers to choose One Little Word to focus on throughout the course of the year. Well, this is my first year to choose a word. Something about this idea of focusing on one word to guide me through the year sounds attractive.

There is a lot of unknown hanging out there in front of us as a family, and I have to tell you the honest truth... I'm really scared. I'm scared that Tate will have more seizures. I'm scared of what that means for her future. I'm scared to move to a foreign land and not know if she'll receive the best care. I'm scared to move to a foreign country. Period. I've never left the United States.

Over the last few nights, I've thought about our future and my word. Nothing. Nothing really grabbed me and expressed what I was feeling. Then, it came to me. Courage. So many times I find myself giving up in my career before even trying because I'm scared. I'm scared I might fail. I'm scared I might make a fool of myself. I'm scared of the expense. I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared. Well, not this year. This year, I'm looking forward with courage. I will try new things. I will not be fearful of failure. I have a new approach on life and the year to come. Whatever comes our way, we will embrace it, move through it and hopefully enjoy it.

Now I'm not a negative person so please don't get the wrong impression, especially if you are new to my blog. I see a lot of potential and joy in our future. I am very excited to travel outside of the United States. I'm anxious to see Japan. I think the next 3 years will be full of adventure and opportunity for our entire family to learn and immerse ourselves into another culture and society. This will be such a great experience for the children.

In addition, we have heard great things about Okinawa, Japan. We have friends who currently reside there and friends who have returned from Okinawa with great reviews. They say it is much fun and great for the family. Yay! That is wonderful news.

One more thing... Ali highlighted Christine Kane's blog who also celebrates the beginning of each new year with a chosen word. I love her tag line on her blog... Be Creative. Be Conscious. Be Courageous. Lovely! And Christine has a free downloadable discovery tool to help you choose your Word of the Year.

God Bless!